My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this boner is exhausting
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
