At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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