im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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