oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
