i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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