i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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