I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When are your genitals available?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
