Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
