onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
