My hand turned me down
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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