So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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