So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
