I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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