Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
