I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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