life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
