so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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