I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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