I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
