Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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