Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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