your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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