Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
