The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am never drinking with the goths again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
