i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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