My cat gives me a boner
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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