I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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