Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
