I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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