I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
