There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
