I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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