I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
