So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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