Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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