his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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