We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
