If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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