normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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