My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
