Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
