i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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