Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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