You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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