What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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