I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
