This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
