you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
