boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
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It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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