We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
