Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
