My liver just broke up with me...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
