It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
