I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
