dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
