she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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