I think I died a long time ago.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
